Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Pork Group

I was driving down the highway the other day, and as I was passing a truck, I looked over my shoulder to see the most adorable, pink noses snuffling at the vented sides. I actually smiled. Thought to myself "Aww. Pigs're cute, huh?"

'Course, as I passed the truck, I came upon the inevitable. When I pulled up next to the cab, I saw this on its door:

The Pork Group

Now, even though I already knew what these pigs were heading for, this sight hit me for some reason. I don't know what I was thinking, but in that split second after seeing the pink little pig snouts and then the name of their "group," I imagined this:

Pinkerton: "You know, I do believe it's been a long while since we pigs have seen the city."
Percy: "Well, apart from Babe..."
Pinkerton: "Yes. Quite. In any case, I do think it's time for an outing, wouldn't you lot agree?"
Polly: "Are you quite mad? I'm not sure I could drag these teats to the loo, bugger all to the city!"
Pinkerton: "Yes, but we could help you! I'm sure each of the lads would grab a teat or two, whaddya say, boys?"
Percy, Percival, Pete and Hogg: "Aye!"
Pinkerton: "See, Polly? There ya have it. It'll be a swine time! Finally, out and about, hittin' the town! Mothers lock up your piglets...here comes...uh...The Pork Group!
Percy, Percival, Pete and Hogg: "The Pork Group!"
Polly: "Oh, how clever."
Pinkerton: "Aye, we'll have a ham-tastic time! And, I'll get us the finest transport in the land, with breathing holes and everything! Nothing but the best for The Pork Group!"

...and they had the swinest time, and lived hammily ever after...

Well...I eat bacon. And ham. And whichever part of the pig contributes to the hot dog. But I came home that day asking my wife if she thought it would be possible for us to transition to vegetarianism.

"Well, it wouldn't be that bad," she said. "There's lots of stuff out there. It's just a question of whether you think you'd be able to give up meat."

Um. To be honest, I don't think I would.

Damn you, Pork Group! Why'd you have to be so yummy?

And so weirdly British?

I May Not Be Able To Take It.

Things I need explained to me, please:

Why Twisted Sister’s classic anti-authority anthem “We’re Not Gonna Take It” is being used to hawk birth control. Yeah, that's right. I called it a classic. What're you gonna do about it?

People who walk around with a mobile phone perched upon their ear, like it's some electronic aural sex device whispering sweet nothings 24/7. "Hey, stud...your ear wax is nummy."

Celebrities who think it’s cool to name their kids things like Bronx Mowgli. What's next? “I’m proud to announce that today we welcomed our new baby girl! Mother and Queens Baloo are doing fine."

Why there isn’t a government agency responsible for outlawing names like that. I mean, my God, shouldn’t somebody be watching out for the little Pilot Inspektors and Audio Sciences and Dakota Sierras of the world?

Mothers who shriek along with their pre-teen daughters at screenings of Twilight.

Shrieking fans in general.

My neighbor’s penchant for standing in the middle of our street shooting arrows at a target in his garage while wearing a camouflage jacket and, I dunno, hunting tights?

How my son can be doing so well in kindergarten and yet still be seemingly unable to accept full responsibility for wiping his own ass. Sorry--heinie.

How my wife can call the Evil Dead films "stupid" and then sit for hours in front of a Real Housewives marathon.

How anyone could NOT consider "We're Not Gonna Take It" a classic.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I got your "traditional" marriage right here!

I had no plans today to blog about gay marriage again, but I came across this column in my newspaper.

Full disclosure: I vetted this like McCain vets a Veep. (Oh, snap!)
But hey--what can I say? I'm mavericky that way.

Anyhoo. It appeared in The Kansas City Star, which is just mainstream liberal media elite enough for an irredeemable "socialist" like me to buy into.

Even if it's only half true, I'm pretty sure it torpedoes the traditional marriage argument.

'Course, what do I know? I've recently been informed by several letters to the editor that my carefully considered vote was, in fact, manipulated and engineered by the very same liberal elite media I found this column in.

Anyway--here you go. Take a click at a brief
history of marriage.

Monday, November 17, 2008


Yesterday morning was gorgeous. The picture of autumn--cool, crisp, clean. It was the answer to the question "Why is fall my favorite season?"

Yesterday also happened to answer the question "Is my son deathly afraid of spiders?"

We went on "an Explore"--over the river, through the woods, and up a hill. It was fun, invigorating...and stumble-licious. I think the kid fell down, oh, I'd say about every 45 seconds or so.

I don't know if it was the undergrowth, or his natural 5-year-old clumsiness, or the "cute" google-eyed rubber boots he selected (with my wife's enthusiastic encouragement, of course. Note to"cute"-lovers everywhere: on an Explore, "cute" don't cut it), but the little guy was down every time I turned around.

And, naturally, one such fall brought him face-to-face with a spider. I mean, I think it was a spider. He said it was a spider. But watching the way he panicked, seeing the sheer terror that gripped him and hearing the heart-stopping shriek of fear, my first guess was that he had stumbled upon the Gateway to Hell and had caught an agonizing glimpse of the Prince of Darkness leading the damned in an evil version of, say, Mother May I or 7-Up (which I imagine are pretty much exactly the same as the regular versions).

But, no. It was a spider, he said. A "woods" spider, no less, and as we all know, the "woods" spider is the most vicious, vile creature to ever walk the planet. Or, at least, to ever sit on a leaf and wait for my son's face to show up.

So afraid was he that he couldn't even stand up. He began scrambling sideways along the hill, unable to get his feet under him, screaming and crying and freaking out. Freaking me out, too, if you want the truth. So, about to panic a bit myself (or laugh--I was torn), I grabbed a handful of the back of his coat, hoisted him up into my arms and hugged him close, and while he slowly--very slowly--calmed down, I wondered if arachnophobia is genetic. My sister has it...and frankly I don't much care for the eight-legged freaks either.

So, long story short, instead of taking advantage of the event's character-building potential, I carried my son all the way back down the hill. But, rest assured, I made him earn his ride.

I put him on Spider Watch.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


I am not a car guy. At all. So, when my gear shifter's knob thingy came loose and started wobbling, I did nothing. It rattled annoyingly for a couple of years...until I loaned my truck to some friends who were moving furniture.

When the truck was returned, I got in, and people--mine eyes witnessed the most glorious sight, which for some reason I feel compelled to share with you.

Silver snake head, piercing, menacing, red ruby eyes. I don't know why I love this ridiculous thing. But love it I do.

First--it's a snake. My name's Jake. You do the math.
Second--the rattling's gone. I had no idea how much I hated it until it ended.
Third--the rings I wear on my right hand make very cool music on the silver serpent's gleaming head.

Really though, I don't know why I like this thing so much. I just don't. But when my brother and his family visited us in our new home, I took him to the garage to show him my new snake head gear shifter knob before I even took him on a tour of the house.

That says something. Probably something I should keep to myself, but hey--I gotta do what the snake commands.

Thanks, D & M.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Veterans Day, Nov. 11, 2008

I don't really know what to say to the veterans and active duty women and men of the Armed Forces who have taken on the enormous responsibility of defending their nation when called.

I don't really know what to say to those who give up months and even years of time with wives, husbands, daughters, sons, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends and other loved ones to serve in corners of the world that far too many of us can't even locate on a map.

I don't really know what to say to those brave individuals who returned from those places with injuries and wounds both visible and hidden.

I don't really know what to say to the families who have mourned the loss of a loved one who made the ultimate sacrifice in the name of their country.

So I'll just say this:

Thank you. A million times, thank you.

I believe in Bull Durham.

In the fine baseball film, Bull Durham, Kevin Costner's character, Crash Davis, has this to say:

"Well, I believe in the soul...the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."

Well, I believe in some of those things, too. And as an introduction to me and Male Pattern Blogness, here are some more things I believe in:

*Allowing dogs in bed.
*Holding hands on walks.
*Sunday football.
*Greeting cards.
*$3 bottles of wine.
*Good, suspenseful horror (Thanks, but no thanks, Saw franchise).
*Reading as entertainment.
*BirthDAYS (You know those people who seemingly feel entitled to whole weekends or even weeks dedicated to celebrating them? What's up with that?).
*That a moment without music is a sad moment indeed.
*Commas. Lots, and lots, and lots,,,of commas. I don't know why.
*Heart-bursting love thanks to my 5-year old son.
*My wife's moral, tempermental and spiritual superiority to me.
*That people are people, so why should it be that people should get along so awfully?

Well, that's a pretty good start, but there's more, so feel free to check in on my blog from time to time to learn more about what I believe...and if you'd like to, tell me what you believe.

Friday, November 7, 2008

I'm Not With Stupid.

I probably should use this first post as an introduction to me and my blog...but that'll have to wait. I've got something on my straight, happily married, bald mind.

Several days ago, during a discussion about gay marriage, I called someone very close to me "stupid." As a person who believes in--and who tries to engage in--productive conversations involving diametrically opposed opinions, I regret having used that word. And because I care very, very much about this person, I hesitate to write in detail about this particular discussion , but the passing of the ban on gay marriage in California prompts me to say this:

If your issue with gay marriage boils down to "all I'm saying is that the word 'marriage' should be reserved for one man and one woman" and/or "why do 'they' need to use that word anyway?", then you may or may not be stupid, but you're certainly being disingenuous.

It's a frickin' word. And I believe if you're a living, breathing, human being you're entitled to the use of that word, just as you're entitled to all of the glorious words in the English language. Duodenum. Pilferage. Lozenge. Uvula. Antiestablishmentarianism. These belong to all of us.

Don't agree with me? Fair enough. But Merriam-Webster Online seems to. You've heard of them. They're the "Dictionary people." They include this in their definition of marriage--(2): the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage.

"Wait a minute! A traditional marriage? So, are you saying you believe there's such a thing as a 'traditional marriage'?"

You betcha. It involves love and commitment and home and hearth and nagging and complaining and fighting and forgiving and promising the best and worst to each other forever and ever...

And I think it's something any consenting adult who wants it deserves.

As are the rights implicit in the wonderful but not-yet-entirely-lived-up-to assertions that begin the Declaration of Independence.

Sing along--you know the words! Something, something, "...all men are created equal," something, something, "certain unalienable Rights," something, something, "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness."

I think it's got a good beat and you can dance to it. But I don't know...maybe dancing's * gulp * too gay?

Now, for those of you whose issue with gay marriage is that you think it's a sin...well, you also may or may not be stupid. No way I can know. But here's another song you may have forgotten:

Separation of Church and State, by the Founding Fathers.